When someone responds to your thoughts or feelings with, “You’re too much,” what do you do with that? It can be easy to dismiss the comment in the moment, but later you may find yourself replaying the conversation and wondering if there was some truth to it. (Watch the video)
Perhaps you have been told that you are too sensitive, too emotional, too opinionated, or too particular. Maybe someone has accused you of making a bigger deal out of something than they thought was necessary. Then there is the comment that can really make you question yourself: “You’re doing too much.” When those words come from someone whose opinion matters to you, they can leave you wondering whether you need to change something about yourself or whether you are being asked to become smaller to make the relationship more comfortable.
Before You Start Making Yourself Smaller
Over the years, I have seen women become very skilled at adjusting themselves to relationships. Some adjustment is healthy because relationships require compromise. We need to know how to listen, apologize, make changes when necessary, and consider how our behavior affects the people around us. There is nothing wrong with being willing to look at yourself and recognize when something needs to change.
The problem comes when healthy adjustment turns into shrinking. You keep quiet because you already know she is going to say you are being sensitive, or something bothers you and you decide not to mention it because you do not want to hear, “Here we go again.” Eventually, you start convincing yourself that certain things are not that serious, even when they genuinely bother you.
After a while, you may find yourself rehearsing conversations before you have them, trying to figure out how to say what you need to say without being considered difficult, emotional, or “too much.” At that point, you are no longer simply trying to communicate well. You are beginning to edit yourself according to what another person is willing to tolerate.
When maintaining a relationship consistently requires you to become less of yourself so someone else can be more comfortable with you, pay attention to that. There is a difference between making healthy adjustments in a relationship and adjusting yourself until you barely recognize your own voice. Knowing the difference matters because this is where your self-worth can begin influencing what you tolerate, what you silence, and what you start believing about yourself.
But What If They’re Right?
Now, I am not going to tell you that everybody else is always the problem. There are times when we really are doing too much, and healthy self-worth should give us enough security to admit that. We can be overly reactive, continue conversations long after they should have ended, or become so determined to make someone understand our point that we stop listening to theirs.
This is also part of what it means to be Healed Enough. You can be healed enough to hear something about yourself that you do not necessarily want to hear without allowing it to destroy how you see yourself. Healing gives you room to ask, “Is there any truth in what this person is saying?” without immediately becoming defensive or turning their words into a statement about your worth. You can own a behavior that needs to change without making that behavior your identity.
Feeling good about ourselves cannot be the only goal. Emotional health also requires a willingness to look honestly at our behavior without turning every correction into rejection. There is a big difference between recognizing, “I did not handle that well,” and deciding, “Something must be wrong with me.” One gives you an opportunity to address a behavior and grow, while the other turns a moment into an indictment of your identity.
When somebody tells you that you are too much, you do not have to automatically reject what they are saying, but you also do not have to automatically receive it as truth. Take some time to look at what happened, pray about it, and ask whether there is something God may be showing you about yourself. That is part of growing through it. If there is something you need to work on, work on it. However, if the real expectation is for you to stop feeling, stop speaking, stop asking questions, or stop expressing yourself because someone does not want to deal with it, that is something entirely different.
They May Never Understand Why It Hurt You
One of the harder realities in relationships is that you can explain yourself clearly and someone still may not understand. You see this play out in the video when one woman explains that something hurt her, yet her friend continues to see the situation differently. The same thing can happen in our own relationships. You can explain exactly why something affected you and listen while the other person tells you why they believe it should not have affected you that way. By the end of the conversation, both of you may understand what the other person said without agreeing about what happened.
This is where many women get stuck because we believe there must be another explanation that will finally make the person understand. We change the wording, give another example, explain the history, soften our tone, and try one more time. After all that explaining, when the other person still does not understand, we may begin questioning whether our feelings were reasonable in the first place.
At some point, you have to decide whether another person’s understanding is going to become a requirement for you to trust your own experience. Someone does not have to completely understand why something hurt you for you to acknowledge that it hurt. At the same time, acknowledging your feelings does not mean your interpretation of everything that happened is automatically correct. Feelings give us information, but they do not always give us the entire story. We can honor what we feel while still being willing to examine what actually happened.
“I Hear You” Doesn’t Mean “I Agree With You”
There is a moment in the video where the conversation has reached its limit. One woman is still trying to explain her point, while the other finally responds, “No. I hear you.” I like that moment because there are times when hearing someone has to be enough.
Understanding another person’s perspective does not mean you have to accept their description of you as your identity. Their position may be that you are making too much of something, while yours may be that the issue matters and deserves to be addressed. Neither person has to pretend that agreement happened when it did not.
There is freedom in reaching a place where you no longer have to win the conversation or keep explaining yourself until someone finally sees things your way. Hearing another person does not require surrendering your own perspective, and disagreement does not have to become a battle over whose experience gets to count.
We Can Disagree and Still Care About Each Other
Amos 3:3 came to mind when I was developing the storyline for the video: “Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?” (Amos 3:3, ESV). Amos was not talking about two girlfriends having a disagreement, so I do not want to pull Scripture out of context simply because a verse fits nicely into a conversation. Still, the imagery gives us something useful to think about when two people reach a place where they are no longer in agreement.
People who care about each other are not always going to see things the same way. A disagreement does not automatically mean somebody has to be cut off, blocked, or completely removed from your life. We have become very quick to use that kind of language. While there are certainly harmful, abusive, manipulative, or repeatedly destructive relationships where appropriate distance is necessary, every difficult conversation does not require the end of a relationship.
There are times when what needs to end is the conversation, not the relationship. Both people have said what they needed to say, neither person has changed the other’s mind, and continuing to talk is only creating more frustration. Maturity can look like recognizing that you do not agree, accepting that the other person may not understand your position, and knowing when enough has been said.
Your Self-Worth Cannot Depend on Everybody “Getting” You
Here is where we get to the heart of the matter. If I need everybody around me to understand me before I can feel secure about myself, I have given other people far too much responsibility for my self-worth. Being understood feels good, particularly when the person matters to us, but it cannot become the requirement for believing that our thoughts, feelings, and experiences have value.
One person may think you are too sensitive, while someone else thinks you do not express enough emotion. You can be too quiet for one person and talk too much for another. Someone may consider you too ambitious, too independent, too serious, or too particular. If you continually adjust yourself according to everybody else’s definition of “too,” eventually you have to ask yourself who you are becoming.
That is why self-worth has to be anchored somewhere deeper than people’s opinions. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well” (ESV). God knows you completely, including the areas where you are growing and the places where you still need correction.
Being fearfully and wonderfully made does not mean every behavior gets a pass. God matures us, corrects us, deals with our attitudes and motives, and teaches us healthier ways of relating to people. His correction does not decrease our worth simply because He reveals an area where we need to grow.
Before You Accept the Label “Too Much”
The next time someone’s words make you question yourself, give yourself enough room to examine what actually happened. Consider whether the person addressed a specific behavior or made a sweeping statement about who you are. Think about whether there is truth in what was said, whether your delivery contributed to the problem, or whether an old wound may have influenced your reaction.
Then pay attention to whether you are being encouraged to grow or pressured to become smaller. Growth may challenge you, correct you, and even make you uncomfortable, but healthy growth does not require you to erase yourself. Shrinking is different because it teaches you to silence healthy emotions, suppress appropriate concerns, and make yourself easier for someone else to handle.
Taking responsibility for what belongs to you without picking up what does not belong to you is one of the healthiest things you can do for your self-worth. Another person does not have to become the villain simply because they do not understand you, and you do not have to become the villain because the two of you see something differently.
You can care about someone without agreeing with them, hear what they are saying without accepting their definition of you, and examine yourself without attacking yourself in the process. There is room to make adjustments without disappearing and to grow without shrinking.
When someone cannot fully understand you, you do not have to spend the rest of the conversation trying to squeeze yourself inside the limits of their understanding. Perhaps this is the reminder worth carrying with you: I do not have to fit inside someone else’s understanding of me to know my worth.
Muah!
Dr. Nanette
Wear the Reminder
Sometimes you need something that reminds you not to keep making yourself smaller just so you can fit inside someone else’s expectations of you. You can listen, learn, grow, and make adjustments where they are needed without losing yourself in the process.
You Can Keep Your Box. I Don’t Fit.
Wear the reminder when you need to remember that someone else’s inability to understand you does not determine your worth.
Get the “You Can Keep Your Box. I Don’t Fit.” T-shirt
Now, Check In With Your Self-Worth
Before you move on from this conversation, take a few minutes to check in with yourself. The Self-Worth Check-In was created to help you recognize where you may be silencing yourself, whose approval may be carrying too much weight, and where you may be making yourself smaller to maintain a relationship.
Use the check-in to identify what belongs to you, what may need your attention, and what you no longer need to carry as a definition of your worth.
Start The Self-Worth Check-In… You can examine what needs to change without making yourself smaller in the process. Growth and self-worth can exist in the same place.
