Sometimes the problem isn’t that we didn’t see the warning. It’s that we talked ourselves out of paying attention to it.
Have you ever been driving somewhere, minding your business, and just as you’re getting close to the intersection, the traffic light turns yellow? Now you’ve got a decision to make. Do you slow down and prepare to stop, or do you press that gas pedal just a little harder because you think you can make it through before the light turns red?
Come on now, most of us have been there. And depending on how close we are to that intersection, we’ve probably made both decisions at one time or another.
But here’s what I want you to think about. We know what the colors on a traffic light mean. Green means go, yellow means caution, and red means stop. Nobody has to explain that to us every time we get behind the wheel. Yet, when that light turns yellow, some of us respond by speeding up instead of slowing down.
Now, here’s something else we know about that yellow light. It’s not going to stay yellow, and it’s certainly not going back to green. A yellow light always turns red.
And that’s what got me thinking about our relationships. How many times have we noticed something that caused us to question what was happening, but instead of slowing down to examine it, we found a reason to keep going? We may have even recognized that something needed our attention, but because we didn’t want to deal with what it might mean, we convinced ourselves that it wasn’t that serious.
I call this The Yellow Light Principle, and I want to talk about why recognizing a warning is only part of the responsibility. What we choose to do after we recognize it matters just as much.
The Yellow Light Isn’t There to Be Ignored
In relationships, there are times when something happens that causes us to question what we’re experiencing. It may be something someone says, a change in their behavior, a conversation that leaves us uncomfortable, or a pattern that we’ve started to recognize. We notice it, and perhaps we even acknowledge to ourselves that something doesn’t seem right, but before we’ve had an opportunity to examine it, we begin coming up with explanations.
We tell ourselves that perhaps we misunderstood what was said or that the person was simply having a bad day. We may decide that we’re being too sensitive or that bringing up the issue would only create unnecessary conflict. Sometimes we dismiss what happened because we care about the person and don’t want to think negatively about them.
And I want to be clear about something. People do have bad days, misunderstandings happen, and not every uncomfortable experience is evidence of a serious problem. That’s why I believe it’s important to understand what a yellow light actually represents.
A yellow light is not automatically a red light. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship needs to end, that someone has intentionally hurt you, or that you should immediately walk away. It means something deserves your attention, and you need to slow down long enough to determine what you’re dealing with.
The purpose of the yellow light is to give you an opportunity to respond wisely before you move forward. But when we’re determined to keep going, we can begin treating caution as though it were permission to accelerate.
When We Explain Away What We Need to Examine
I want you to think about something. Have you ever noticed a behavior that concerned you, but because you cared about the person or wanted the relationship to work, you found a reason to dismiss it? Maybe you noticed that a friend only reached out when she needed something, but you continued telling yourself that she was simply busy. Perhaps you were in a romantic relationship where someone’s words were reassuring, but their behavior consistently told a different story.
It could have been a family relationship where certain comments repeatedly hurt you, but you had accepted the explanation that this was simply how the person communicated. Maybe it was a professional relationship where expectations kept changing, boundaries were being crossed, or agreements weren’t being honored, but you didn’t want to appear difficult by addressing what was happening.
The concern isn’t that you gave someone the benefit of the doubt. There are times when doing so is appropriate. The concern is what happens when giving someone the benefit of the doubt becomes a repeated excuse for refusing to acknowledge what you’re experiencing.
Sometimes we become so focused on maintaining a relationship that we stop examining what is happening within it. We don’t want to lose the connection, disappoint the person, create conflict, or face the possibility that something needs to change. So instead of dealing with what we’ve noticed, we begin managing our thoughts and feelings around it. We try to make ourselves comfortable with something we haven’t honestly examined. And over time, we may become so accustomed to dismissing our concerns that we stop recognizing how often we’re doing it.
I want you to understand that acknowledging a concern doesn’t mean you’ve reached a final conclusion about someone. It simply means you’re willing to be truthful about what you’ve observed. You can care deeply about a person and still recognize that certain behaviors need to be addressed. You can value a relationship and still ask whether what’s happening within it is healthy, respectful, and consistent with what you believe.
Wisdom Doesn’t Require You to Panic
Proverbs 22:3 (ESV) says, “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”
What stands out to me about this verse is that the prudent person recognizes the danger and responds to it. There is an awareness of what is happening, followed by a decision about what needs to be done. The person doesn’t continue moving forward as though nothing has been noticed.
Now, I don’t want you to confuse being cautious with being fearful. Fear can cause us to assume the worst about people, misinterpret situations, or make decisions before we have enough information. Wisdom, however, calls us to examine what is actually happening and consider the appropriate response.
Sometimes that response is a conversation. You may need to ask someone what they meant by a statement or explain how a particular behavior affected you. Other times, you may need to establish a boundary, communicate an expectation, or observe whether something that happened once is becoming a pattern. There are also situations where the wisest response is to recognize that continuing in the same way would be harmful.
The point is that wisdom doesn’t require us to panic, but neither does it encourage us to ignore what needs our attention. We don’t have to assume that every concern will become a serious problem, and we shouldn’t pretend that repeated concerns will disappear simply because we would prefer not to address them.
As Christian women, we should be willing to ask God for wisdom rather than allowing fear, guilt, or our desire for a particular outcome to make our decisions for us. We can pray about what we’re experiencing while also being responsible for examining the information and circumstances in front of us.
Three Questions to Ask When You See a Yellow Light
When you encounter something that causes you to question a relationship or situation, I want to encourage you to slow down and ask yourself three questions. These questions aren’t designed to help you find fault with someone. They’re intended to help you examine your experience honestly so that you can make a thoughtful decision about what to do next.
1. What am I noticing?
Begin with what actually happened rather than what you assume it means. Was there a comment that concerned you, a broken agreement, a change in someone’s behavior, or something that has happened repeatedly? What did you see or hear, and what specifically caused you to question the situation?
This matters because there is a difference between an observation and an interpretation. For example, noticing that someone hasn’t returned your calls is an observation. Deciding that the person doesn’t care about you is an interpretation. That interpretation may or may not be accurate, but before you accept it as truth, you need to consider what you actually know.
When you identify what you’ve noticed, you’re giving yourself an opportunity to examine the situation without immediately assigning motives or reaching conclusions that may not be supported by the facts.
2. What am I telling myself about what I noticed?
I believe this is one of the most important questions we can ask because our thoughts influence how we interpret situations and what we decide to do about them. Sometimes the concern isn’t only what happened. It’s also the explanation we’ve created around what happened.
You may find yourself thinking that you must have done something wrong or that bringing up the issue will cause the person to become upset. Perhaps you’ve convinced yourself that you shouldn’t say anything because you don’t want to lose the relationship. On the other hand, you may have immediately concluded that someone intended to hurt you without considering whether there might be another explanation.
I want you to examine whether what you’re telling yourself is helping you see the situation clearly or encouraging you to avoid dealing with it. Are you minimizing something that deserves attention, or are you making an assumption that needs to be challenged? Are your thoughts grounded in what you know, or are they being influenced by fear, guilt, previous experiences, or expectations?
We have to be willing to examine our own thinking because sometimes we contribute to our confusion by treating our interpretations as though they are established facts.
3. What would a wise response look like?
Once you’ve identified what you’ve noticed and examined what you’re telling yourself about it, the next question is what you need to do. This is where we move beyond simply recognizing a concern and begin taking responsibility for how we respond.
A wise response may involve asking for clarification, having a difficult conversation, communicating your expectations, or establishing a boundary. It may require you to acknowledge a repeated pattern that you’ve been reluctant to address. In some situations, wisdom may mean allowing yourself more time to observe what is happening before making a decision. In situations involving abuse, threats, or danger, wisdom may require prioritizing your safety and seeking appropriate support rather than attempting another conversation.
I also want to encourage you to consider whether your proposed response is being driven by wisdom or by your desire to escape an uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes we rush into decisions because we want immediate relief, while at other times we delay necessary decisions because we don’t want to experience the discomfort that may come with them.
Neither response automatically reflects wisdom. We need to be willing to ask God to help us recognize the truth of a situation and respond appropriately, even when the response isn’t what we originally wanted.
Don’t Let Your Desire for Green Cause You to Ignore Yellow
There are times when we want something to work so badly that we keep searching for reasons to move forward. We want the friendship to improve, the marriage to become healthier, the family relationship to change, or the person we’re dealing with to understand how their behavior affects us. Wanting those things isn’t wrong, and I believe there is value in working toward healthier relationships when both people are willing to participate in that process.
However, wanting a relationship to work should not require you to ignore what is happening within it. You shouldn’t have to convince yourself that something isn’t concerning simply because acknowledging it might require an uncomfortable conversation or a difficult decision.
I also want to remind you that extending grace doesn’t mean abandoning discernment. You can forgive someone and still recognize that trust needs to be rebuilt. You can understand why someone behaves a certain way without agreeing that the behavior is acceptable. You can acknowledge a person’s struggles while also recognizing how their actions affect you.
Sometimes we believe that being patient means continuing without addressing the issue. But patience and avoidance are not the same thing. There is a difference between allowing someone time to grow and repeatedly dismissing behaviors that need to change.
And this is where I want you to consider the traffic light again. When you approach an intersection and the light turns yellow, you don’t get to decide that it should remain green because you have somewhere you want to go. The signal is communicating information that you need to consider as you determine your next move.
In much the same way, our desire for a relationship or situation to turn out a certain way doesn’t change what we’re observing. We have to be willing to deal with what is actually happening rather than what we wish were happening.
Before You Keep Going
As you think about the relationships and situations in your life, I want you to consider whether there is something you’ve noticed but haven’t taken the time to examine. Perhaps you’ve been dismissing a concern because addressing it would require a conversation you don’t want to have. Maybe you’ve been telling yourself that something will eventually change, even though you’ve continued seeing the same behavior. Or perhaps you’ve been so focused on what you hope will happen that you haven’t given enough attention to what is happening right now.
I don’t want you to leave this conversation looking for problems in every relationship or assuming that every uncomfortable experience is a warning of something terrible. That’s not the purpose of The Yellow Light Principle. I want you to become more intentional about recognizing when something deserves your attention and giving yourself permission to examine it before deciding what to do next.
You don’t have to manufacture a problem where one doesn’t exist, but you also don’t have to explain away a concern simply because you don’t want it to be true. Sometimes the appropriate response will be to continue forward after gaining clarity. Other times, you may need to make an adjustment, establish a boundary, or reconsider a decision. What matters is that you’re responding to what you’ve honestly examined rather than ignoring what you’ve already noticed.
Sometimes we don’t miss the warning. We talk ourselves out of paying attention to it.
The next time you encounter a yellow light in a relationship or another area of your life, I encourage you to remember what that signal represents. Give yourself time to examine what you’re noticing, consider what you’re telling yourself about it, and ask God for the wisdom to respond appropriately. Don’t allow fear to convince you that every concern is a crisis, and don’t allow your desire for a particular outcome to convince you that caution is unnecessary.
Because sometimes the wisest thing you can do isn’t to keep moving forward at the same speed. It’s to recognize that something deserves your attention before you decide what comes next.
Dr. Nanette
Remember to feel honestly. Heal through God’s truth. Grow through what tried to stop you. Flow forward from there.
Healing doesn’t mean you’ve worked through everything. It means you’re growing, learning, and making healthier decisions with God’s help. My HEALED ENOUGH Collection offers everyday reminders of how far you’ve come and the truth you can carry forward. Explore the collection and find a reminder that speaks to you.
Get your copy of my Living for Him, Not Them: Stop People-Pleasing workbook and start breaking free from the cycle of seeking approval. This faith-based workbook will help you shift from living for others’ expectations to embracing God’s approval as your foundation.
You weren’t called to live for the approval of others. It’s time to start living for Him.
