This is the last week many celebrate the “LOVE” month, so I wanted to share what I tell my clients when they tell me they “love hard”, and it often leads to a scarred heart.
“When you love hard, you fall hard, and when you fall hard, you hurt hard… and healing is even harder.” ~ NFP
Love is a beautiful gift from God, meant to be deep, fulfilling, and life-giving. But when you love hard, it can come with a cost. Many people wear “loving hard” like a badge of honor, pouring everything into a relationship, giving their whole heart, and holding nothing back.
But what happens when that love isn’t reciprocated in the same way? What happens when your devotion leaves you drained, broken, and struggling to find yourself again?
Here’s the truth: Loving deeply isn’t the problem, it’s loving without balance that can lead to pain. As believers, we are called to love, but not in a way that replaces God as our first love (Mark 12:30). Let’s talk about the hidden costs of loving hard and what it truly means to love in a way that honors God, strengthens us, and nurtures our relationships. I can personally think of a few relationships I had before marriage that cost me quite a bit.
Hidden Cost of Loving Hard
1. Emotional Exhaustion
Loving hard often means investing all of your emotions into another person. When you constantly pour out love without receiving the same level of care and consideration, you can become emotionally drained. Instead of feeling fulfilled, you may feel empty, wondering why your efforts aren’t enough.
But here’s the truth: God never intended for another human to be your sole source of love and affirmation. That role belongs to Him.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28 (ESV)
2. Loss of Identity
When your entire world revolves around someone else, it’s easy to lose sight of who you are. You may start making decisions based on their desires rather than God’s will for your life. Over time, you might even start asking, Who am I without them?
But your identity is not found in another person. It is found in Christ.
“For in Him we live and move and have our being.” — Acts 17:28 (ESV)
3. Compromised Boundaries
Loving intensely can blur the lines of what’s acceptable and what isn’t. You may tolerate behaviors you wouldn’t normally accept, ignoring red flags, making excuses, or sacrificing your well-being to keep the relationship intact.
Healthy love honors boundaries, just as God sets boundaries for us.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
4. Unrealistic Expectations
When you love hard, you might assume that the other person will automatically love you just as deeply. But love looks different for everyone. If you expect someone to match your level of devotion exactly, you may face repeated disappointment.
Love should be mutual, but our ultimate expectation should be on Christ, not on people who are flawed just like us.
“My soul, wait in silence for God alone, for my hope is from Him.” — Psalm 62:5 (ESV)
5. Fear of Abandonment
The deeper the attachment, the harder it is to imagine life without that person. Loving hard can create an unhealthy fear of losing them, leading to insecurity, anxiety, and a desperate need for reassurance.
But people will fail us. God never will.
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” — Hebrews 13:5 (ESV)
6. Neglecting Other Relationships
Loving one person intensely can cause you to unintentionally neglect your friendships, family, and even your relationship with God. No one person is meant to be your entire emotional support system.
A healthy life includes a balance of love from different sources, friendships, community, and most importantly, God.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” — Proverbs 17:17 (ESV)
7. Difficulty Letting Go
The more you invest in a person, the harder it is to walk away, even when the relationship is no longer healthy. You may hold onto memories, potential, and hope that things will change.
But sometimes, love means letting go and trusting God with the outcome.
“There is a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.” — Ecclesiastes 3:6 (ESV)
8. Self-Sacrifice to a Fault
There’s a difference between loving sacrificially and losing yourself in the process. Loving hard can make you prioritize someone else’s needs over your own to the point of exhaustion.
God calls us to love, but not at the expense of our well-being. Even Jesus withdrew for rest and time with the Father (Luke 5:16).
Loving Healthy, Not Just Hard
Loving deeply is a gift, but love should be life-giving, not life-draining. It should build you up, not break you down.
Instead of striving to love hard, strive to love healthily, in a way that protects your heart, honors your worth, and keeps God at the center.
Because real love, God-centered love, doesn’t break you. It helps you grow. 💜
